Separated

It's no secret, I have always wanted twins.  I wanted the chaos of one kid feeding off another, messes, arguments, and the whole chi-bang.  I wanted cute little matching pairs of everything from car seats, to two high chairs, two cribs, double diaper duty, and a two seater stroller.  This seemed glamorous to me.  Well, lesson learned. Be careful what I wish for.  I got my twins, and I held true to my methods of doing things my own unique way.  

I have two very lovable and inseparable kids, both in the same developmental phase of life right now.  And with that comes the inability for one kid to function when they are apart from each other.  

This past weekend, Scott and I had the chance to spend four days with just MacGregor.  This is a first, since our little dude has been born.  My short time as a family of three caused me to walk down memory lane, a place I had not ventured to in a very long time.  This blog post is will be clearly separated into two parts.  This past weekend I revisited the negative place but found my positive place faster than I had in the past.  

The thoughts all started on Friday when a friend of mine, picked up Maddox for a girls getaway.  Maddox was thrilled. 

Maddox and Kerri, ready for a girls getaway.

Bye mom!

The other half., not thrilled nearly as so much.  My mom always tells me that goodbyes are harder on the person that stayed behind because the one leaving gets to experience new memories, but the person left behind feels the void. So, as you can see below, I am not sure if Copper, Daisy, or MacGregor was feeling the worst about this separation.  There are three very sad faces in the window and a few tears shed by MacGregor.

I had already decided that I wanted MacGregor to rock his weekend as an only child so he got to see his very first football game.  I am not sure he cared about the game but be was digging the marching band and the homecoming floats!

He also decided that not sharing the tub and toys with his sister was a pretty sweet deal too.

Over the weekend, Scott and I did something we rarely get to do.  Sit with our son and a pile of books and read (and read and read) until we have memorized the chorus line of every book. 

Maddox doesn't have the attention span to sit and enjoy very long books and when she throws the towel, so does MacGregor.  But tonight was a different story.  I was able to snuggle on the couch until my heart was warm.  

Sorry we are blurry, it was dim light.

Once he was done listening to me, he picked up his pile of books and went over to Scott for a repeat.  

It's such a warm fuzzy feeling, reading books, following fantasy story lines where everything is colorful, perfect, with a happy ending.  We don't get to truly enjoy books when Maddox is around because each book that is designated for her has a purpose.  What does she need to study, review, and retain this week?  Is it a book on colors?  Counting?  Animals?  Shapes?  Feelings?  You see, every moment of our life is spent with a deep desire to make sure Maddox develops the skills she needs to be successful in this world.  And I learned during my time away from her this weekend, just how exhausting this really is for me.

My upcoming book will focus more on this sensitive subject, but you have to know that when Maddox was born, there was a moment in time that I contemplated putting her up for adoption and walking out of that hospital in hopes to return to a normal life.  

This past weekend took me down that dark rocky path again, and had me imagining what life would have been like had I acted on thought nearly four years ago.  I experienced many highs a lows during Maddox and MacGregor's four day separation.  

I was able to embrace MacGregor's humor, compassion, and intelligence.  I saw a different child, one independent of his sister.  I saw light in him as he didn't have to compete for attention and I wondered what life would have been like had he grown up being the first child?  Would he still have the compassion that he does?  Would he be happier not having to be a role model ever second of his life?  I wondered if I would have ever been content knowing I had given my daughter up for adoption?  

There are many times that I look at MacGregor's innocence and ask myself, "What did I do?"  This little guy has more responsibility than he knows.  Someday he will be burdened with taking care of his ailing parents.  Once we are gone, then he needs to care for Maddox.  The responsibility one little man carries is huge and unfair.

While Maddox was away, I found myself dreaming a little about how easy life would have been without her.  Would I have ever been able to cope knowing my little girl was out there somewhere?  I am not sure?  I know raising a 'normal' kid is difficult but I want to educate people on what a typical day is like raising a child with special needs.  All the books I read mention the love and rewarding feelings you get, but none of the books mention the pure exhaustion you feel getting though each day.

Let;s take climbing at a campground for example.  This happened a few weeks ago.  

I was over on another play structure with MacGregor when I turned around to witnessed what was happening with Maddox.  She had wandered over to the tower and wanted to climb it.  Sounds simple enough, right?  

Heck, MacGregor, who is two years younger, just made it to the top.  

But nothing comes close to being that that simple for Maddox.  First, I watch Scott stand next to her and pretend like he has no clue what she wants because we are working on her independently asking for help.  

With prompts though speech and sign, she finally gets her point across.  "Daddy, help, climb."

Notice the three people in the photos below.  It took one to coax to her, one to hold her, and one to model for her.  The person modeling has to show where were to step by tapping the step, then moving her foot to the step and showing her where to move her hands, then tap the bar she is supposed to grab, and finally move her hand to that bar.  

And repeat because she needed this not only for the first step but for all six steps.  And oh my goodness, that was just to get to the top.  Then we have to teach her how to get down.  Can you imagine, yet how tedious this process is? 

But here's where it gets even more exhausting.  The motor planning skills and concept of climbing just doesn't kick in after the first try.  We have to walk Maddox how to do this for every piece of equipment on the playground.  Then, multiply this by every single task of her day.  Everything from when to use a spoon to when to use a fork, to how high to tip the cup when drinking, to how to climb into her chair at the table, how to dress her doll, or turn her four wheeler, and so on. 

In college as an OT we learned about task analysis which consists of breaking a task into small teachable chunks.  Little did I know that this was going to be the story of the rest of my life.  Think about it this way.  What would you rather eat?  A confetti cupcake OR.... Each ingredient in isolation.  The eggs.  The oil.  The powder.  See?  Doing things in isolation is not so delicious anymore is it?  

There are some days that I still want to shout out how much I ENVY those who simply get to peel the paper off that cupcake and enjoy it.  

Now, I know there are those who are going to tell me to stop being so intense, stop making every moment teachable, and just enjoy Maddox.  I can't begin to tell you how many countless times I have heard this advice. And no offense to anyone that has told me this, but stop making every moment count is simply impossible for me to do.  

Let me frame it this way.  As a parent, if you came across a teachable situation and had the tools to empower your child and your child was responsive to your feedback, would you seize the opportunity or would you sit back, purposefully hanging on to the tools your child is desiring, and watch them fail?  

I absolutely can not sit back and watch Maddox fail.  

And that, unfortunately, creates the recipe that creates the intense high strung parent I have become today.  

A wise old bird once told me that I must always follow something negative with a positive.  So, for those who braved my negative blog this far actually get to hear about the good that came out of this weekend too.

Breathtaking.

My sweet little girl got to experience things and create memories she never knew existed.  She rode tractors, drove rangers, ate at fancy resturarnts, met tons of new friends and smiled bigger than I knew she could smile.  You can see in every photo that she loved her girls getaway and that is priceless. 

Driving the ranger.

Grown up!

But nothing, absolutely nothing in the world, warms my heart more than witnessing the end of the separation.  

The reunion.

And it is this moment where I find my way again, get back on the right path, realizing that I would have never been able to truly cope knowing I had given up this little girl.  No matter how much energy I use preparing Maddox for the world, I want her to know that she is worth every single ounce of it.

Welcome home baby girl!  We missed you tons!