There are lots of exciting things to share today.

Maddox found her fingers!  Her head bobs up and down while she is on her belly.  We have work time every night and it is nice to see it finally starting to pay off.

I had more doctor appointments today but managed to squeeze in time to make homemade banana cupcakes.  This was a step for me.  I am starting to feel human again.  Maybe relying a little less on that auto pilot.  Making cupcakes with a newborn reminded me that I can do it, child and all.  These moments shouldn’t be a chore, I should embrace them.  I don’t want life to be about seeing how much I can get done while the baby is sleeping.  Maddox needs to be a part of everything I do.  This is what will help her.

So with that mindset we venture out to K-mart for the first time.  It was very cold and Maddox was sleeping so I grabbed a shopping cart and decided to put her car seat in it and push her inside.  I covered her head with a blanket and ran fast through the parking lot.  Once inside, I took the blanket off her head and Maddox’s eyes were wide open with a very curious look on her face.  I didn’t realize what a bumpy ride a shopping cart could be.  Next time I will be more careful! Needless to say, I smiled.  

While at K-mart I ran into an acquaintance.  This was the dreaded moment.  Will she notice Maddox has Down Syndrome?  Do I tell her?  IF I don’t will she feel silly the next time we see each other?  Oh, what do I do?

I came right out and said it, no tears and all.  It was a good first time and couldn’t have been with a better person.  This moment does down in the history books.  

From there I ventured to the most comforting place in the world.  OB at the hospital!  I went back to see the nurses.  You see it on shows, where the little kids go back and visit and everything turns out ok.  That is my story too, everything turned out ok.  It was a beautiful reunion.

I was also at the hospital for another reason.  Scott and I had our karyotypes tested to see if we were carriers of this Robertsonian Translocation.  Scott met me and we went into medical records to get the results sent in from the Mayo Clinic.  

Let me tell you, 46 is my new Keno and Powerball number.

Our results went like this.

Scott: 46 XX
Jamie: 46 XY

No Chromosome abnormalities present.

Let me say it again.

No Chromosome abnormalities present.

Scott and I are not carriers of the Robertsonian Translocation, this was a random fluke occurrence.  This is the first bit of good news we have heard in a while.  Lord, keep it coming.  

I really liked the comfort of the hospital but I need to expand my repertoire of places to go.  Scott and I (and mom too) ventured out to attend our first birthday party today.  This was something we had planned on attending even before Maddox was born so it was important to us to go.  For me, it was a way to test out life again. 

While I was extremely anxious and had a meltdown prior to the party, I learned something very valuable today.  

Friendships between young children are priceless.  

There is no jealously, animosity, or judgements being made.  Nobody snubs anyone or waits for so and so to talk first.  It doesn’t matter how you look, if you are thin, wear glasses, or even missing a limb.  There is no drama, just an innocently pure friendship.  

I think adults could learn a lot from watching young children make friends.  

Thank you Callie, Emerson, Amaya, and Grady for teaching me this and for loving Maddox for who she is.

Happy Birthday Amaya!  

We are on a roll now.  The bathroom sink overflowed last night and we had a few inches of water flood our floor.  Everything, the rugs, the items under the sink were all wet.  We were cleaning up water at 3 AM.  New parents, home with a new baby, and instead of waking up to feed her, we wake up to a flood.  Maddox slept through the entire thing!  The water also leaked to the basement ruining several ceiling tiles.  Yes, the tiles that at 6 months pregnant I was on a ladder replacing because I couldn’t stand those famous stained golden circles.  

Guess what a new hormonal mom does in this situation?  

Cries.....


 

Maddox gets to come home today.  A friend stopped by, someone I respected and loved, but we took our friendship to a whole new level today.  I have a partner in this and that makes all the difference in the world.

Maddox received her last dose of antibiotics at 1:30 PM.  We placed her in her car seat and Scott like a proud dad went to get the car and park in the Oval.  This is my third discharge  from the hospital in the past three weeks.  I carried Maddox out of the hospital.  It was a terrible moment.  I wanted so badly to feel like a proud new mom.  I had going home outfits for the both of us and neither one of us got into them.  As I walked that long hallway, the one I walked everyday for the past week, I was praying nobody would stop me to look at her.  

Welcome to what is called the emotional roller coaster.  It is an expression, one that is overused because once you have truly hopped on, it is a ride you will never ever want to take again.  

I began to feel terrible for her that I would pray nobody would look at her.  This is the beginning of the bad thoughts followed by the guilty thoughts.

We put Maddox in the car and neither one of us rode in the back.  There was no mirror, we couldn’t see her.  We just silently rode home.  

Just before we pulled into the garage, the phone rang.  It was the first of millions that were soon to come.  It was my notice that the first medical appointment has been scheduled for Maddox.  It only took 15 minutes from the time she was discharged for all this to start.  Here is the worst part.  I was talking to the medical schedulers while Scott took Maddox in the house......by himself.  

This is not how I envisioned brining home our first child.

I walked in the house, sat on the couch, and stayed there for several hours watching the world work around me.  Mom was caring for Maddox and Scott was unpacking all of our belongings.  

I want to be back in the comfort of the hospital, reality “just plain sucks.” 

(You know who you are, thanks for that quote).

The next week was a blur, people coming and going, e-mails, flowers, and letters.  What was supposed to be a joyful occasion become almost mournful.  I spent hour after hour in the special care room holding the baby.  Scott and my mom took turns sitting with me.  

On Tuesday night at midnight we decided on a name for our daughter.

Maddox Lucille McClintic

The nurse wrote this name on the board in the ICU.  I stood looking at it.  It is official, she is here, she is ours, and we need to embrace this.  Only it isn’t that easy.

The nurses and my family kept telling me I needed to get out of the hospital for a few hours.  It sounded good but I can tell you, it wasn’t good.  My first trip was just a short trip down the road to Big Boy for dinner.  Everything was a blur, the people, the building, the car ride.  As we were walking out of the restaurant, Scott and I exchanged words with another young couple who had a baby three days earlier.  This couple stood outside of their car smoking while their new ‘healthy’ baby sat in a cold car alone. 

You guessed it, I lost it.....again.

I wanted so badly to be back in the hospital in the comfort and care of the OB nurses.  I had decided I never really wanted to leave the hospital, it was safe there.  Ohhhh the nurses are wonderful.  They never treated us any different than any other new mother and child.  

On Thursday Scott, my mom, and I went home so I could see the dogs and take a ‘real‘ shower.  I was still on autopilot, pacing through the house.  I walked by Maddox’s room.  I needed to get some more things for her to have at the hospital.  It took me three more passings before I mustered the courage to go in.  I opened the closet, who was I kidding, of course I cried.  

I saw all the tiny outfits I had carefully hung with great anticipation for our perfect child.  I looked at the 12 month clothes and wondered would Maddox even be sitting by then.  Information as I know it has just become a very bad thing.  I wished I had a different career.   I know way to much about what the next 26 years will bring.  I began to panic.  Will I ever be able to go back to work?  Can I do OT all day and all night?   Will I be more patient with my families than I am with our own child?  Will I have to have Maddox’s IEP during my own lunch break.  Put all of these thoughts into a blender and watch them swirl around to much of nothing.  This is how I am feeling at the moment.   

Yes it is time to get me back to the safe walls of my hospital room before I crack.

We did have a wonderful scare when we returned.  Scott was parking the car.  My mom and I walked into the ICU.  Only this time, the room was dark and her bed was gone.  Mom and I walked through the rest of the nursery and our hearts stopped.  A mothers worst fear, was Maddox shipped out or even worse....Did something happen to her?  Was this punishment for not being thankful?  

This was one more blow I just could not handle.  Mom and I ran to the nurses station where our nurse looked up from her computer and smiled at us.  She asks, “Were you looking for Maddox?  Here she is.”

I cried and manage to crack out, “She graduated!”  Maddox only had one IV connected to her.  No more heat lamp, no more oxygen, no more heart rate monitor.  She looked almost like every other baby in the hospital.  I was so happy.

Two more milestones happened tonight.  My milk came in and Maddox drank it.  We are going to nurse!  Also, we took our first family photo tonight, it felt right. 

Today is Friday.  Mornings stink.  I wake up and nothing has changed and realize I have to live another day.  I was left alone for a little while with Maddox this morning and we watched the sun rise.  Another nurse came in and of course I was crying.  This nurse never said anything.  Just sat with me until I was done.  That was a powerful moment.  I am not sure what this nurse was thinking but I think she was delivering me strength because when she left I sighed, shook it off, and faced another day.  

Today we had to cave a little and gave Maddox her first supplement.  Her weight is dropping and she is very lethargic.  All my friends came to spend the evening with us.  We have figured out how to make our hospital room universal.  It can be a kitchen, we can cook meals in there.  It can be a family room, we can visit.  It can be a counseling room, and at night it makes a safe place to sleep.  DId I mention how bad I want to stay here, reality scares the living daylights out of me.

On Saturday Scott and I slipped out and ran some errands.   I also discovered today that the old school Medela pumps are excruciatingly more powerful than the cutesy backpack pumps at the medical supply store.   

We went home again tonight and Scott’s parents came up.  His mom made a wonderful lasagna and I fed the dogs dinner tonight something I have not done in over two months.  

90 seconds of normality, it was incredible, but didn’t last nearly long enough.  

It is Sunday and we are off to another rough start.  The newspaper has photos of perfect babies in it.  I constantly find myself looking at the features of children now.  Are their ears low, are their eyes slanted, do they have a bridge in their nose.  Will I ever stop thinking?  Will I be able to accept this and look at Maddox as our daughter?  The statistics and literature says we will.  We are numbers now, not parents. 

Numbers. 

On a positive note.  I took my very first photo of Maddox today.  Some more friends stopped by, bless them all.  Tonight Scott and I went to McDonalds, just the two of us.  I am so in love with him.  Tonight was just like old times sitting and having dinner with my best friend.  Once we were back in the hospital we played a silly game while we waited for the elevators.  He knows me, he loves me and knows just what makes me tic.  He is my rock, what an amazingly strong man.

I am starting to have a panic attacks this instant as I write this.  What if something happens to him, my rock, what if it is gone and I have to raise Maddox on my own and tale care of the dogs and make decisions.  I can’t do it.  I need him more than this world will ever know.  I vowed again to continue being the best wife I could possibly be to him.

Monday AKA D-Day

Today is the day we find out whether or not Maddox has a confirmed diagnosis of Down Syndrome.  We thought we would know at 1, then we were told 6.  It was 7:00 PM before the doctor came.  

From 6:45 to 7:00 was the happiest 15 minutes ever.  I stared at Maddox and seemed to have every “downs” feature justified.  Her eyes are perfect, her ears are exactly like Scott’s, and so are her toes.  Her precious pale skin and smile belong to me.  There was absolutely no way they were going to tell me she has Down Syndrome.  I had envisioned all the nurses coming in to celebrate with us.  I had my plan all figured out.  

The door knocked and there stood the doctor and one nurse.  I had all the hope in the world that this plan was coming to a good end just as I envisioned. 

The next 20 minutes I don’t quite remember.  All I know is that Maddox does have a rare form of Down Syndrome called Robertsonian Translocation.  This accounts for 4-5% of children with Down Syndrome.  Oh, and one minor detail.  We should not have any more children because one of us could be a potential carrier of this genetic condition.  

When am I just going to quit planning?  Getting knocked down isn’t bad, getting up is the hard part.

My reaction at this point really truly would have made for most dramatic performance of the year.  You see it in the movies but never envision you could hit a point so low in your life.  Everything I had worked for and planned for had just went wrong.  They wheeled Maddox out of our room and my mom left and Scott and I embraced each other.  

Scott grabbed my face and said, “I can’t do this alone, I need you.”  

I was slipping away into the deepest of darkest depressions ever and his words pulled me back out faster than you can imagine.  

An amazing friend was waiting for me that evening and we spent the next hour together. Through the tears and silence, an amazing strength was looming in the room (thank you for being there that night).  

This by far was the worst day of my life but I pray that someday soon, I will reflect on this moment 
and be incredibly thankful. 









ANONYMOUS
awesome story mrs.mcclintic!!!--- my name is mike sisca and i have a very dear friend of mine named angela dunn who just over 6 years ago--gave birth to an amazing ds baby named gage!! angela like you was completely caught off guard by this "condition", but through research and friends , family and church--- she founded the NW Florida D.S. Organization. this video realy touched close to home with me. Gage has been a part of my life since day one ---- there is nothing that boy cannot do!!! some thing's he does better than "normal" kids! it is truly mind blowing!!!!! believe it or not ---angela had to fight for gage's right to go to public school------ people can be so ignorant!!! guess who won???? MOM!!!!!!!!!!! Angela has a 22 year old and a 11 year old --- she does not treat ANY  of them different!!!! DO NOT PUT LIMITATIONS ON THE BABIES!!!!! i have talk enough --but if you woulike to talk or get in contact with Angela and Gage my email is [email protected]
WEDNESDAY, JANUARY 11, 2012 - 09:13 PM

ANONYMOUS
i gota say the little girl is adourable my brother has down symdrome if u hav a facebook page id love to add you
FRIDAY, JANUARY 13, 2012 - 03:15 PM

MZBROWNSUGER
She is so beauiful. My baby was born on june the 13th. She has Down and i feel the same way ask you do. She will do everything with a lil help ask every other child. I love her so much. she is my special baby. I found out before i had her that she had it. At 1st I was sad, upset, depressed and then a calm came over me and i know that god was telling me everything would be alright all i had to do was love her which came easily :) i dont tell anyone about the downs not even my husband until the day she was born because  i couldnt take anyone prejudgeing her. She is perfect. Your story is wonderful and i was happy to see the video u made. It was great it made me feel all warm on the inside.
FRIDAY, JANUARY 13, 2012 - 07:24 PM

LINDA INVER GROVE HGTS
Dear McClintic family I want to tell you that I to have a Ds person in my family to. I have to tell you she is the the best thing that ever happened in this family. Her Name is Jennifer and she is almost 36 years old. When she was born the Doctors told my sister and her husband to give her up, put her away, she will NEVER make anything of herself !! It was like throw her away and forget about her ! Well, let me tell you, sure things came harder for her but she did and still is doing everything the Doctors said would never happen.! Jennifer join the Minnesota Special Olymipcs as a child and has been in for about 30 years. Her sports are, bowling, basketball, bocce, track and field and just this year she joined in poly hockey. She has been a athlete of the year in area 12 where she lives ( which is White Bear Lake ) and has been athlete of the year for the state of Minnesota, has been to Japan for the state of Minnesota in her sport of  Bocce and also has been to Nebraska, again for Bocce, so you see she is very active in sports.  Jennifer also lives in a group home in White Bear and hold down a job as well. You would fall in Love if you were  ever to met her. So, you see, never give up hope as I am sure you had heard a million times over and over again  that the Good Lord gave you your special child for a reason, the reason being you and your husband along with my sister and her husband are very special and strong people , he knew that you could and would bring up his Angels with Lots of Love and to show them support and courage. Gold Bless you and your Beautiful Maddox.....
FRIDAY, JANUARY 13, 2012 - 11:46 PM

ANONYMOUS <3
Your daughter seem to be the happiest little girl of the world. I am 14 years-old and my dream is to be a pedo psychiatrist. Not so long ago, my neighbors were a happy couple, which had an autistic smart little girl. I used to play with her and baby-sit her sometimes. I totally agree with you. Whatever how a person thinks or looks she can accomplish enormous things. As a normal little girl, my neighbor had her fears, her passion (the people around her), her dreams, and her favorite toys. I watched your video a hundred times and you seemed like the happiest family I have ever seen. You daughter will accomplish a lot of things in the future.
SATURDAY, JANUARY 14, 2012 - 07:32 PM

ANONYMOUS
You have the same story as me!! My son Josiah is 20 months and has DS. I love sharing my story because it encourages others and I love hearing other people's stories becasue it encourages me. Thanks!!
SUNDAY, JANUARY 15, 2012 - 01:16 PM

ANONYMOUS
I also have a DS angel. My story is similar in that we had no idea until he was born. I, like you, knew the second I saw him.  Call it mother's intuition.  Little Maddox is very fortunate to have you as parents.  She is precious!  Our little Wyatt is the youngest of seven (his, mine, and ours).  He turned three on January 9 and just started school. I am a teacher so I will tell you that no matter what state you live in, public schools begin servicing any special needs child at the age of three. They can't deny you. It's the law. Please feel free to locate me on FB under Amy Landis Nesler. I'd love to share stories and pictures and be support for each other.
MONDAY, JANUARY 16, 2012 - 09:56 AM

GERTI
I fell in love with Maddox the minute I saw her beautiful face. I love the determination/ strong drive and that is exactly what will pull you all through day after day.Tears are important as they are a good release of both positive and negative emotions. Your message to everyone is beautiful, we need to take a stand and be a voice for all of these precious children. I will be praying for all of you, may the Lord bless you richly.
TUESDAY, JANUARY 17, 2012 - 02:46 PM

ROSLYN - ROXANNE'S LITTLE SISTER.
Hello there,
I just wanted to say hi to the gorgeous Maddox. I also wanted to share a little with mum and dad.

I am 44 my big sister Roxanne is 46.  After all theses years I am still introduced as her little sissa but the good news is evidently I am also her best sister ( ok I am her only sister but hey I'll take that) She is what we called handicapped growing up but I know the terminology has changed since then but to us it is like saying she is left handed those aren't the words that describe my sister. She has many of the same social hurdles that Maddox will have but not the medical ones. She has been the centre of our family of 5 always. She knows there is no Santa but still goes all gobsmacked when she sees him. She has friends that are hers alone. She can remember our phone numbers ( that took 16 years). And she never ends a call without telling us I love you. She was bridesmaid at my wedding ( she looked amazing and got the biggest cheer of the night) and she is godmother to my second daughter. She adores being an aunt and she is good "mates " with my dad now mum has passed. My parents worried about her future and had to let her live away from a home in her late teens in care so she would gain some independence and to take worry off my parents as they knew they wouldn't always be around and they refused to let my brother and I be anything but her siblings. It wasn't easy but she goes on outings and activities and she loves it. We still vacation together and spend lots of time together. She has buried my mum but she is ok and that is because of the things my mum and dad did to make her have her own life. She loves tv and has a fancy new LCD one. We have always supported her but I think she has always held us together she made the love in our family twice as deep between all of us this uncommon bond of love and loyalty we all share. Some things are tough and watching others wrongly judge harsh but let's face it they are idiots anyway besides  I don't care about the thoughts of people I don't respect. So just know the good far outweighs the bad and this lifetime of but conditional love beyond the norm that you will all share is worth it As my mum used to say it was tough and scary and worrying but I wouldn't swap her for anything. Lots of love to all of you Roslyn - Roxanne's  little sister.
MONDAY, JANUARY 23, 2012 - 03:39 AM

ERIN YOUNGBLOOD
I saw your video through a post on our local Special Olympics FB page...this is an incredible and beautiful gift to your daughter.  I am the sister of a remarkable 32 year old woman with DS.  She is my inspiration, my hero, my friend and the godmother of another extraordinary young person-my 3 year old son Brady.  I am the mother of a very special little boy who was born with a very rare chromosome duplication on his 1st chromosome.  We also were unprepared and unaware that Brady would be born in any way other than "normal."  I have gone through some very dark and sad days...still do sometimes-I struggle to understand why-but I know there is a reason.  Brady is here to teach me about acceptance and belief.  Your video was remarkable.  I applaud you, I understand you and I know your beautiful Maddox will accomplish anything she sets her sights on.  Love to your family.
THURSDAY, JANUARY 26, 2012 - 09:23 PM

My love started slow but grew more precious than you’ll ever know.

This is just a thought I had while quietly watching Maddox sleep next to me this morning.  Even though there are moments when I think that she is not quite what I expected, deep down I know that someday she will truly be more than I ever expected....That is comforting.





PATRICK
believe me my brother is 23 atm and is a wee torture i wouldnt change him for the world your a special women god gave you this gift and the joy that youll get for years to come will be special
FRIDAY, JANUARY 13, 2012 - 03:45 PM

TONIA FUJIMOTO
I have a wonderful son with DS.  He is 14 now, and I know how you felt when she was born.  I was 20 years old when I had him and I didn't know that he had Down's till after the birth.   When he was born nothing looked different to me because we are asian.  I remember the doctor coming in not long after he was born to tell me he had DS.  He was looking at the floor when he entered and then looked up at us and seen all asains and then he had to rethink what he was gonna say. 

Unfortunately my son was born with a congenital heart defect and had to have surgery when he was 9 months old, but he is healthy now.  I have 2 other children, one older and one younger that my 14 year old son.  I have always told them that God gave him to us cause he thought that we deserved such a special and precious person in our lives and that God loved him so much that he gave him and extra chromosome to show how special he is and how special he is going to be to us in our lives.  It took me a little bit to see that myself but I live by that everyday and I do fight for him and his rights everyday. 

I will say that I have had several problems with his school but I will tell you, I wouldn't change it for the world, cause he showed me how to fight, how to love, and how I want to live.  Funny thing is he has shown me how to be a better person and how to be a better mother.  I always teach him right from wrong and all the manners I was taught,  I bring him up like I was, never treating him differently from my other two, but I never knew how much a child could teach there own parent.  It's funny how that happens sometimes.


SATURDAY, JANUARY 14, 2012 - 01:48 AM

On the morning of January 5th, I woke up at 3:00 AM with terrible stomach cramps but stayed in bed for one more hour.  At 4:00 I decided I needed to get up, my contractions were timing out at 6-8 minutes apart.  I went into the living room and sat on the couch for 45 more minutes.  It was now almost 5:00 AM and time for me to get ready for the 7:30 AM induction.  I took what would be the last of my very long hot showers, shaved my legs, and even did my hair and makeup.  By now, my contractions were 3 minutes apart.  

When 6:00 rolled around, I had to lean over on the counter a little during each contraction.  They were about one minute long and 3 minutes apart still.  We left the house at 6:30, peacefully and slowly drove to town.  The contractions have now started to take my breath away a little.  

We checked in and I remember walking into that hospital the happiest girl ever. Little did I know that when I walked out 7 days later I would be a completely different person, hitting some of the lowest moments of my entire life. 

We arrived up in my labor and delivery room, the last room on the right, the one at the very end of the long dark hallway.  The same room where it all began three weeks ago when we had our car accident.  I changed into a gown but left my undergarments on; as if somehow by doing that meant this wasn’t real and it really wasn’t going to happen for a while, and I would be sent home... 

Although, at the same time I had a suspicion this baby would come fast and my mom was not going to make it.  She had book her ticket last night and was leaving Nebraska at 5:00 AM and was due in my birthing room at 1:30 in the afternoon.  

At 7:15 Bonnie, my nurse practitioner, came in and checked me.  I was dilated to a 5 and we decided to break my water which meant no pitocin for the induction!  

I was petrified to have my water broken, but I didn’t feel a thing, just a gush of warm fluid.  

And this is where it all begins. 

My contractions started coming even quicker but I loved every one of them.  I knew something good would come, if I just continue to focus.  

We ordered breakfast.  I ate the most yummy gigantic cinnamon roll from John Boys and a fruit plate from the hospital which had grown to be a favorite, especially the pineapple.  

At 8:00 AM I was 7 centimeters dilated

At 10:30 my labor coach, had to leave for a little while and by the time she was back I was dilated to an 8.  In that time, I had bounced on the ball and the contractions were about 1-2 minutes apart lasting 1 minute and I was beginning deep breathing.  

I decided I thought it was getting close to time to push so I asked to use the bathroom before the real work began.  

Everyone told me I should just use the bedpan.  

Um, no, gross.  

Stubborn me decided to walk to the bathroom in between contractions not knowing I was 9.5 centimeters dilated!  

I got situated on the toilet and then I said, "I don’t know what to do?"  

I was asked if I had to push.  

Again I repeated, "I don’t know what to do.  It feels like I have to pee and poo and I don't know what to do."  

My labor coach said, "We don't want a toilet baby.  You need to get back into bed, it's time to push."

The nurse calls Bonnie and my breathing gets quicker.  Scott is trying to make me laugh and telling me I need to do hee whoo breathing.  The nurses kept asking me if I needed any pain medication.  I was loving every moment, every contraction, no, I want to feel it all.  This is the moment I have waited a lifetime for.  I am having a baby, I am becoming a mama.  Not everyone gets this chance.  I absorb this experience for everything I can.

Bonnie arrives and softly says something.  

Scott says, “She cant hear you.”  

Bonnie loudly says,  “On the next contraction I want you to bear down and push.”

I panicked and said, "I need that medicine!!"  

Everyone laughed and told me I was almost done.  I thought to myself, huh?  Liars.....  They are just telling me this and don’t really mean it.  

I had a mirror and was slowly watching the babys head come out.  

I had been pushing slowly because I knew the harder I pushed the more it would hurt!  My phone kept ringing and everyone took turns answering it.  My hands were tingly because I was hyperventilating.  I should have listened to Scott and did some hee hee whos.   

The next thing I knew I heard panic in Bonnie’s voice.  

My nurse said something about the baby’s heart rate dropping.  I heard Bonnie calmly say, "Get the IV ready and call Code White for help."

I had a strange feeling.  I literally blinked and my room went from having  6 people in it to having 12 people.  The oxygen was placed on my face and Doctors, pediatricians, and anesthesiologists arrived all calmly yelling for me to push.  

Once I saw the anesthesiologist I realized that meant I was next in line for a potential emergency c-section.  I decided I better start pushing for real.  

I decided that just as Bonnie frantically says we need to get this baby out, push hard.  

At 12:02 PM our daughter was placed on my stomach.  

This is the beginning of the end or the end of the beginning, I don’t really know.  

All I do know is that her ears looked funny and her neck had a roll and her eyes were squinty.  

I decided not to look at my new baby and examine my placenta with Bonnie instead.  We found two tears which confirmed my placental abruption.  She showed me how thin the walls were where the tears were at.  It turns out this was a very close call for both mommy and baby.  If one of these tears and ripped, both the baby and myself would have been in serious condition.  It was the first time I realized how much danger was involved with my abruption.  

I was so scared about the baby that just came out of me.  She didn't look right at all but seeing the joy on this new daddy's face reassured me that no matter how difficult things would soon become, it was love at first sight for these two.

I watched out of the corner of my eye a proud dad helping get finger and foot prints.  

I didn't really care about the footprints. In fact, didn't even look up when they took mine.  I was too busy thinking of a trillion things.  Do I see what I really think I see?  Does anyone notice?  How will I bring this up and ask if she has down syndrome?  Is this what all newborns look like?  How come nobody is noticing?  Is this a nightmare?  Put her back in my belly and start over.  When will I wake up?  What does the future hold?  Will I keep her or will I give her up for adoption?  I don't want her.  Let's leave this baby at the hospital, go home, and start over.  Stop taking pictures of her.  Yes, in a matter of minutes, like a very bad dream with demons flying around the room, all of these thoughts began flying around my head.

'The baby was wrapped and given to me.  I tried to breastfeed and remember looking at her lips, so long and flat, wondering if she was eating right and why she did not take right to this.  I was flustered and angry at her already.  She sensed this and looked up at me.  She sensed all those fears running through my head.  And in one glance she changed me.

She looked at me straight in the eyes, moments after being born and communicated more in one second than a human being can in a lifetime.

That glance, those eyes.....Pure determination. 

Love me.  

Do not give up on me.

I handed the baby to Scott and I had the most proud but uneasy feeling.  I looked into his eyes wondering if he saw what I saw.  

I will never forget Scotts smile as he preciously held his daughter, while I was crushed inside.  

I had the choice of walking or riding a wheelchair to my recovery room.  I chose to walk.  I needed to walk.  I secretly felt that if maybe I passed out while walking, it would prevent me from dreadfully facing the next two hours.  

Well, I didn't pass out.  Instead we ordered pizza and I plastered a great big fake smile on my face.  I was enjoying the company of others, again ignoring what was to come.  I was acting as though I had not even had a baby.  I didn't have a desire to hold or even care to go see her.

Twenty minutes later, the nurses brought her down to me.  Scott’s good friend had stopped by.  The two were commenting about how the baby's eyes looked Chinese.  They had no idea what these slanted eyes  could possibly mean.  They recognized at that moment her eyes were different, but they just had absolutely no idea.  What now, what do I do, who do I ask without offending anyone?  They see it, I see it but nobody is saying anything.  Am I the only one who knows?

I waited until my good friend and I were alone.  I pointed to the neck of my baby and said, "It doesn’t look right."

Her comment back was, “Ohhh, she just has a chubby neck.”  

Scott’s comment about the Chinese looking eyes just kept ringing in my head.  

I panic internally.

Mom arrives and I plastered on another huge fake smile (I was quickly getting good at this).  

I embarrassingly handed the baby over to mom closely watching mom’s expression wondering what she would see.   Mom had an interesting look on her face as she tucked her hair behind her ear.  Did she know I wondered?  

Nope.

Mom saw a beautiful girl, always has, and always will. 

If you notice, in every single photo I was never looking at my new baby.  I was looking into the eyes of the holder to see what their reaction was.  Go ahead, scroll back up.  It's so true.  I was robbed.  I was robbed of what was supposed to be the most wonderful experience of my life.  Today is slowly spinning out of control and it's about to get worse.

The baby’s feet turned purple and the nurse took her from me stating that the doctor needed to assess her anyway.  Little did I know she was headed to ICU (to the care of one of the most incredible nurses, thank you for being there that day J).  

The doctor came back about thirty minutes later after examining her.  He asked if we wanted the others to stay in the room.  Aw crap I think to myself.  I work in the hospitals.  I know how this goes.  He's got news.  In my mind I thought if we allowed our friends to stay then there wouldn't be bad news so we said yes.  Go ahead and proceed with everyone around.  The doctor went through a series of significant health history questions and my heart was pounding.  

And then.

He sat down on the bed.  

Damn.  


Doctor's only sit on the bed when they deliver the worst.  

You can see in my face as I know what's coming.

He began by saying the baby’s eyes looked like his eyes.  

Mom made a funny comment, stating that he's not the father.  I ignored the chuckles, I knew where this was headed.  He continues on, and says that the baby’s ears are low set.  I lost it and folded my hands into my head.  My mom came and sat on the bed and held me, and Scott was in the chair in the corner trying so hard to grasp what was happening.  

I heard words spoken to the doctor, “She is a pediatric OT she knows.”  

There was a long pause and then doctor goes into a story about how high functioning kids with Down Syndrome can be and that he is 80% sure she has it.  I jumped so quickly trying to snag that 20% with all my might, I wanted it so badly, but it was too far out of reach.  

After five dreadful days in the hospital, it was confirmed.  That 20% of hope floated away right before my eyes.  

That night, Scott and I were all alone in the dark corner of my recovery room.  Our conversation that night was a conversation no couple in any lifetime should ever have.  

I can say that have never been in a state of shock, until January 5th, 2010 when I went from the highest point of my life to the lowest in a matter of hours.  

And this is the exact moment my life went on autopilot. 

Here is an entry that I wrote the night before Miss Maddox was born.

January 4, 2010

My first day back to work.  I am really nervous for some reason.  Just past Ossineke I had a crazy huge back to front radiating down the legs contraction that almost  made me pull the car over.  I had another one driving by Niemans, and a third in the PPOC parking lot and then things died down. At the doctors I found out I had dilated to 2 cm and the baby weighs 6.14 ounces.  Bonnie, my midwife, reminded me that our plan was to induce if I made it to 37 weeks but to confirm her plan she needed to call the doctor.  Meanwhile, we discussed the pros and cons of induction and decided together that a natural birth would be the way to go because induction is more painful and I would likely have a c-section as a result. 

Anyhow, I left the appointment thinking I had at least a week before our baby was born.  I was on my way home and got a call just before the “dead spot” at Squaw Bay so I pulled into Big lots.  It was 4:40 when I answered.  The caller was Bonnie and said the doctors are fairly confident there was an abruption and they don’t want me to labor at home, they want me to be monitored so..... 7:15 AM tomorrow is Induction Day.  

I called Scott but he didn’t answer so I texted my friends to let them know, called mom and told her to book an airplane ticket asap and continued my drive home......in shock.  

I got home, left all my ‘stuff’ in the car, walked in the house right by the dogs and said,  “Honey?”

(Yes with a question mark).  He took one look at my face and replied, “It’s time.”  

My panicky voice said, “They are inducing at 7:15 tomorrow."

Scott asks if we are ready and then hugs me.  

The rest of the night has been a blur, I talked with Josh, chatted with a friend on the computer but accidentally walked away in the middle of the conversation, I do remember painting my nails pink and putting the most perfect coat of glitter on them.  


There is so much to do but I can’t process and don’t know where to start.  

My life is officially going to change and I am scared to death, yet so excited.  I hope and pray that Scott and I can keep our relationship healthy and our and love strong.  Am I ready to be a mom?  There are days that I still need to rely on others, but now I will have someone that relies on me.  I am not sure I am ready for that or will I ever be?  This scares me......A LOT.  

Tonight as I lay me down to sleep, I pray our baby is healthy, we have a successful drug free birth, and that our lives are enriched even more by having our precious little girl around.  

God I am really scared.