My first day back at work.
The moment I have been dreading since 12:02 PM January 5th.
I don’t understand so many things. For starters, this was a job I was incredibly passionate about and now the simple fact that I have Maddox has changed this entirely. Will I be able to eat, sleep, and breathe Occupational Therapy for the next 26 years? Will I be less patient with Maddox and more patient with my patients? Will I be able to separate work from home or will work become work even at home? Will I be able to help another parent grieve when I am still grieving myself? This is just a few of the million questions that run through my head daily and hourly as I count down the minutes before I go back to work.
There are only a handful of people that truly know the impact of this decision.
There is another handful of people that seem to know what’s best for me regardless of what I say. Do I listen to them or do I listen to this shattered mind of mine?
This is the most difficult position to be in, I simply have no choice and those that know me, know I don’t do well without choices.. A friend of mine said to me today, “Don’t go back to work for you, go back for your daughter, if you love her then go.” Many people told me many different things but that one stuck, she was right. I need to do this for Maddox.
I didn’t sleep much the night before, not because I had a new baby keeping me awake (she sleeps 13 hours straight).
When my alarm went off at 5:00 I didn’t even have much time to think. My morning no longer consisted of a shower and a banana as I walked out the door. I had to get Maddox ready, pump, get myself ready, the car loaded, lunch packed, diapers in the diaper bag, find my purse, load my computer, and get my keys accounted for, etc… Not a minute to spare, I don’t know how moms do it. What happens if the baby spits up and needs changing? Do I build this time into my schedule too or am I officially late to everything now?
Today I get lucky and am on time. I drop Maddox off at her first babysitters. I had butterflies but did not cry. She looks so big today!
I went into work and cleaned my desk from the mail that had accumulated since my accident at the beginning of December. I felt like a new employee trying to relocate everything. I was trying so hard to concentrate but my mind kept wandering to Maddox and when it did, I would fill up. With that I had to rush to find an open bathroom in my facility. An open bathroom WITH AN OUTLET is hard to find.
I actually did pretty well until I went to get Maddox after work. She looked at me and smiled. I thought about all the things she did today while I was at work.
I think she accomplished more than I did.
How many more days until summer vacation?