Soar baby soar, you own this life.
Before Maddox, I had a huge pot a great friends. Nobody was better than any one else, I was exactly the same person (my happy self) around each one of them, and we were all a great big functional family.
It’s amazing what a life changing event can do to change this pot.
What was once a single large warm pot hanging over a campfire is now three separate old tin pots on a dirty stove. One pot is cooling down, one is simmering, and one that is heating up.
COOLING: There is a group of people that was around before Maddox. This group made many promises to my family when Maddox was born. They would be here for us every step of the way, love us, lift us, and help us to get through this no matter what. Unfortunately, this group is cooling down. I believed the promises, relied on these people, but sadly I hardly hear from them.
SIMMERING: The second group of people are those that, again, we knew well before Maddox was born and they are hanging on. I feel really bad for this group..... I will explain more in a minute as the rest of my post focuses on this.
HEATING: The third group consists of those that have chosen to love and support us as the changed people we have become. They watch us during our daily struggles and have decided on their own that we are still the kind of people they want to be friends with. I am extremely thankful for this rising group.
Back to the core of this post, the simmering group that knew me before Maddox was born and the same group that continues to hang on to our friendship despite the difficulty. My heart hurts for these people because they have a very tough job (dealing with me) consisting of listening, trying to say the right thing, staying positive, and so on.
I used to be a free spirited, carefree, spontaneous, fun person. This group is patiently waiting. Waiting for the old me to come bursting through the doors.
It really hit me the other day when I ran into three friends all within a few hours of each other. Our relationships and conversations used to focus on making summer plans, taking spontaneous road trips, planning beach parties and play dates, laughing hysterically, playing pranks, and simply living life without regrets. Those were the days. I miss them too.
Unfortunately, reality is that my carefree spontaneous life is long gone.
My conversation with the three of them the other day no longer consisted of flowers and rainbows, but went more like this, “Yes, we are still fighting with the insurance company, no she is not walking yet, therapy is getting cut, only 3 specialist left to see this year, no we can’t go on vacation with you because of the bills, we didn’t ask for this situation, no work is not helping me out, nope we are not eligible for that program either, and so on.”
It jabs my heart knowing that if things had turned out different with Maddox, I would be a much different person today. A much happier free spirited person. My worries would be different, my conversations would be different, my attitude would be different, and even my health would be different. I would still have that single pot of friends hanging over a friendly campfire.
Anyhow, that night I had such a negative day I came home and told Scott if I had a friend that always spoke of the negative things in her life I would probably be turned off. Ugh.....I am that person. Who wants to be around me?
This puts me in a terrible situation because these friends are my counselors, the ones I confide in. I owe everything to them because it is this group that selfishly sits and listen to me complain about all the issues I am facing (I know I would never be as patient as them).
Everyday I contemplate, do I continue to confide in these friends until they are sick of me or do I simply hide my emotions and fake it till I make it trying to preserve our friendship?
I don’t know what the answer is?
I do know, my old spirit is gone. It may never return. I don’t have control of this. My core inner being was destroyed in more ways than anyone can begin to imagine. The good news is that in the meantime, life is unconsciously creating a new spirit for me and someday (sooner than later I hope), it radiates within my body and I can become half the person I once was.
Dearest friends, I am anxiously awaiting the arrival of my new spirit and believe me when I say that I want it just as bad as you do! I want to be healthy and happy again.
Thank you simmer-ers for being loyal, staying with me through thick and thin. Your dedicated friendship means the world to me.
In the meantime I am going to work on finding a way to store my negativity in the broiler!
if your friends love you and care about you they will be there no matter how much you complain cuz that's what friends do. Just try to remember that with every complaint try to also put something positive in there ie. "Maddox woke up with the biggest smile today", "Maddox has her first tooth", "Maddox is crawling and getting into EVERYTHING". Altough there is a lot of things to worry about and be concerned about you need to remember that you would still have worries and concerns if Maddox was "normal". Your priorities change when you become a parent rather to a "normal" child or a child with special needs. We have not taken vacations in years and it's only because our priorities have changed NOT because we have a child with special needs. Keep venting to your friends if need be because that's what TRUE friends are for. The ones that arent there anymore don't know what they are missing watching this beautiful baby grow.
THURSDAY, JULY 7, 2011 - 08:49 AM
I was so moved by your YouTube video on Friday that I checked out your website today and wanted to read your blog. This post captures a kind of universality in the experience of becoming a mother and moving into the next stage of one's life-which is alll the more intense for you because of the intense experience of raising a child whose needs are exceptional. But many of us have experienced this; a falling away of some relationships and friendships, a deepening of others and...much, much, confusion about the relationships that simmer. It can be very painful to live in close relationships with people who long for the "old you" - and if your spouse is not one of those people you can thank God for that, let me tell you.
The new you will emerge and you will love her more than you think you can right now. Based on my experience, she can be nudged out of her cocoon into full butterfly mode by living very intentionally into the relationships that have "heated up". I'm not suggesting that you walk away from your "simmer-ers", it's just that hanging on often takes more out of you and delays your progress than the moving on - and living into the relationships with people whose doors are wide open, who help you recharge, who nurture you and fill you up.
You are a very strong woman and an incredible blessing to little Maddox. I wept when I watched your video out of a sense of incredible joy that such a precious and vulnerable little soul was born into your hands. I'd say she beat some odds on that too.
SUNDAY, JANUARY 15, 2012 - 09:08 AM