For those that don’t know, we did have genetic testing done when Maddox was approximately 22 weeks. Unfortunately the blood was sent to the hospital instead of the MSU lab. By the time we found out about the error, we were almost 6 months along. There was no turning back so we decided not to repeat the test.
I talked to a friend this morning. She said that everything happens for a reason and she believes that if we had found out Maddox had DS ahead of time, they would have taken her when her heart rate decelerated at 33.5 weeks and we both truly believe she would not have made it. Maddox is a blessing, not a disappointment. Is she a blessing, or are we just trying to find reasons to think she is? I hate the torn feelings? I just need to pick one and go with it.
Here is the good news. I went up to see the OB nurses at the hospital today for the first time since I left my cozy four walls there. I decided today would mark a lot of firsts. I did my hair and make for the first time since our car accident on December 8th. I must have been looking pretty bad because everyone instantly noticed!
Tonight in OB I had graduated from the hospital room to the nurses break room!! I am no longer a patient, these nurses are no longer my caregivers, these people are incredible friends. They have seen me at the lowest point in my life and loved me for who I am.
A side note, I couldn’t help but think now I am one of those family’s on TV going back to see all the wonderful doctors and nurses that took care of them. I was looking for the TV cameras, shoot....Didn’t see em, so I pretended the small security cameras tucked away in every corner were capturing our famous reunion.
It was beautiful, so many ooos and awwws. I barely had a foot in the door and was surrounded by the flock of blue scrubs. I didn’t even have the car seat on the ground and the buckles were getting undone. I smiled, breathed in, and absorbed the moment. This is pure love. No matter what you look like, how smart you are, what history there is, I have just witness raw, pure love. It was an amazing moment.
Some other things happened tonight night. Have you ever been on emotional roller coaster? If not, let me tell you how it rides. I went from being on that high peak to hitting an all time low in 2 seconds, just like the coaster does. There happened to be a birthing class taking a tour of the OB facility. There was about 20 people walking down the hallway, women with their bellies and daddys to be. Each couple turned their head to see my precious package, I covered her up, and ran around the corner. It was that moment that the eyes filled. What am I doing, why am I hiding her, I should not be embarrassed but I am. I think I do this because I don’t want to face the inevitable questions. Will they know, if they do know are they wondering if I know....And so on.
Ok, enough OB, we packed up and decided to take our first trip to Walmart. Maddox cried the entire time. When I got home, Scott was in bed and it was too late to give Maddox a bath so we put her right to bed. She was very fussy, in fact cried until Midnight. There is always a pot of gold at the end of the rainbow....Our stubbornness that night, not picking her up, set the pace for future bedtimes. We now have a perfect sleeper who does not need to be rocked to be put down and has learned to go with the flow depending on the night and best of all loves loves loves her crib!