PROCEED WITH CAUTION
Today was a rough day. At this moment, you should know that the post below consists of my rawest and truest feelings.
Tomorrow will be a better day.
I feel like a gigantic old sand hourglass. One whose final grains of sand are squeezing through the tunnel and falling in slow motion to the ground. That’s the calm way to put it. On the flip side, I could say I feel like a time bomb waiting to explode any minute. I have two hard months a year, the first is September and the second is March. Did you notice they fall exactly 6 months apart? The magical number that doctors like to use when scheduling follow up appointments. Yes, today we went to see three of our seven specialists. And we know since January 5, 2010, nothing we do comes without surprises anymore.
We got up at 3 AM and hit the dark foggy roads hoping to make good time to U of M. One ruined fender (in exactly the same location as our last accident), one poopy diaper in the car, one traffic jam, and three pukey outfits later we are on our way home.
Click here for the Medical Updates from today.
Back to the time bomb....I have spent a lot of time driving Maddox to and from therapy this week. The clinic is in the same location as the exercise club. There is one elevator and it carries the sick people up to therapy and the healthy people up to the club. When the doors open, you can tell right away who is checking in where. That’s not the worst of it. Almost every time those elevator doors open I see an acquaintance, a co-worker, or a friend headed to ‘the healthy side’ to work out.
One particular day this week I got really angry at the fact that hour after hour, day after day I spend after school time in a waiting room peeking in and praying Maddox crawls today while my friends are all out doing something I used to love to do. Gosh, I can’t even imagine what happens when Scott and I have another child? Will our next baby’s playroom be the waiting room, will floor time be on an oversized blanket in the waiting room, will their entertainment be the people coming and going from the elevator? Is this even fair to them?
I had different plans for our family. I had visions of after school library trips, homework time at the park, afternoons at the beach, family trips to the grocery store...I didn’t envision spending the most valuable time of our day, four to seven PM, in a cold small waiting room apart. I didn’t sign up for this or agree to this plan. I didn’t raise my hand and volunteer to be the lucky winner of umpteen trips to U of M each year, wrecked automobiles, countless hours at therapy, hours of phone calls to insurance companies, and expensive medical bills.
I hear so often that this whole thing is a blessing, I am lucky to be chosen, there is a reason, this will be the greatest joy I ever experience.
Today (and only today - because tomorrow I know I will feel differently) I want to shout back to these people and say, “Blessing, chosen, reason, joy? Really?”
Because right now, in my eyes, the chosen, blessing, reason, and joy would be a one year old girl that could walk across the room, climb the chair into my lap, lock eyes with me and say, “Mommy.”
We got up at 3 AM and hit the dark foggy roads hoping to make good time to U of M. One ruined fender (in exactly the same location as our last accident), one poopy diaper in the car, one traffic jam, and three pukey outfits later we are on our way home.
Click here for the Medical Updates from today.
Back to the time bomb....I have spent a lot of time driving Maddox to and from therapy this week. The clinic is in the same location as the exercise club. There is one elevator and it carries the sick people up to therapy and the healthy people up to the club. When the doors open, you can tell right away who is checking in where. That’s not the worst of it. Almost every time those elevator doors open I see an acquaintance, a co-worker, or a friend headed to ‘the healthy side’ to work out.
One particular day this week I got really angry at the fact that hour after hour, day after day I spend after school time in a waiting room peeking in and praying Maddox crawls today while my friends are all out doing something I used to love to do. Gosh, I can’t even imagine what happens when Scott and I have another child? Will our next baby’s playroom be the waiting room, will floor time be on an oversized blanket in the waiting room, will their entertainment be the people coming and going from the elevator? Is this even fair to them?
I had different plans for our family. I had visions of after school library trips, homework time at the park, afternoons at the beach, family trips to the grocery store...I didn’t envision spending the most valuable time of our day, four to seven PM, in a cold small waiting room apart. I didn’t sign up for this or agree to this plan. I didn’t raise my hand and volunteer to be the lucky winner of umpteen trips to U of M each year, wrecked automobiles, countless hours at therapy, hours of phone calls to insurance companies, and expensive medical bills.
I hear so often that this whole thing is a blessing, I am lucky to be chosen, there is a reason, this will be the greatest joy I ever experience.
Today (and only today - because tomorrow I know I will feel differently) I want to shout back to these people and say, “Blessing, chosen, reason, joy? Really?”
Because right now, in my eyes, the chosen, blessing, reason, and joy would be a one year old girl that could walk across the room, climb the chair into my lap, lock eyes with me and say, “Mommy.”
Comments:
Understandably we all have a bad day now and then, but one doesn’t measure love in baby steps and everybody’s life is filled with “what-ifs”.
Thankfully, we can all close our eyes and dream. It’s life’s relief valve to ease the pressures, and isn’t it grand! Sometimes those dreams turn into reality, other times they remain slightly out of reach.
Life is not so much about living the Dreams as it is about chasing them. Catch one, and there are still ten more to chase. I have seen you Jamie, catch hundreds of them and I see Maddox catch them every week.
Happiness does not lie in a pot of gold at the end of the rainbow. Happiness is the rainbow. Enjoy the different colors every day.
SATURDAY, MARCH 19, 2011 - 07:00 AM
SATURDAY, MARCH 19, 2011 - 07:00 AM
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