On the U of M day, it is all about what "I" have done. Did "I" plug her ears every time she so much looked at water. Have "I" been using the speech cards with her? Do "I" wash her tear ducts with the special cloth? Do "I" give her the DHA vitamins daily? Did "I" get her to Speech, OT, and PT for school and outpatient? Did "I" get her new foot braced fitted? The list of things that "I" was supposed to do, get me so anxious and I often wonder, "What if Maddox fails one of the doctors tests and it's my fault?" I dislike feeling as though I am being judged as a mom based on my daughter's performance.
I also show up to U of M angry. Angry that I even have to be doing this. Angry that my mom came to visit and instead of playing at the beach, I have to haul her to U of M to be my assistant. Angry that the money I would have saved for a vacation is spent on hotels and food for doctors appointments. Angry that I have to fill out redundant paperwork about her health. With all the technology and computer systems, you would hope that gender, birthday, medical diagnosis, hand dominance, age of mother at birth, could be locked into the system by now. Heck, the government probably knows this information! (I just couldn't pass that up.)
Also on this day, I feel sad. Sad that my daughter has to be touched, prodded, poked, and quizzed only to hear the soft words, "She's reaching her full potential." Sometimes I just want to shout back, "Do you know how tall a sunflower will grow BEFORE you plant it? Because seriously, how can you determine a person has reached their full potential when they are only a CHILD?"
I feel overwhelmed. I can't sleep because I wonder if I have all the addressed typed into he GPS correct because I don't want to miss any of these fully booked appointments. Our schedule starts at 8:00 on Tuesday at the Kellogg Eye Center with the Pediatric Opthamologist. At 10:20 we drive to another part of town to the Physical Medicine and Rehabilitation doc. At 1:00 we head to Mott's Children's hospital for the hearing test and at 2:00 we see the Otolaryengologst. The next day we drive across town again to see the Pediatric Neurologist for a 3.5 hour appointment. Thank goodness we just saw the cardiologist or he would have been on this roll call too.
And what happened to the basic medical things like well baby appointments and shots? Well, those are long gone, low priority, and on the back burner. We are so far behind on them it is not even funny. After spending so much time at the doctors, thinking about scheduling one appointment more puts me over the edge.
So, on the eve of U of M day, I am feeling tested, angry, sad, and overwhelmed.
Don't feel bad though, in 48 hours it will all be over (and I'll be able to breathe for six months until we do it again in December)! Check back in a few days, for an update on 'my' exam scores!!